Heartally

Shakespeare’s character Juliet encouraged her family to look beyond the rival family name her lover Romeo carried and see the gem of a person he was, saying:-  “a rose by any other name would smell as sweet”.  She had a point. We don’t want labels to create prejudice.  And sometimes words can fall short in capturing the essence of something or someone.

What about the labels around caregiving in families? In a family it is typical to give each other a hand because we are related, but when the care and advocacy demands go beyond what would typically be expected of family relationships, that’s when labels like “carer” and “caregiver” are applied (Australian Institute of Health and Welfare website, accessed 8^th October 2022). Invaluable yet often invisible and often unpaid, having titles (like “carer” and “caregiver”) help to name and recognise this role that is occurring in family homes and communities across the globe.

But at a personal level are these labels relatable? Caregiving tasks/roles in my life have always emerged hand in hand with the family role I have with that loved one – like being a daughter, a wife, and a sibling. The family relationship labels have been enough and all-encompassing through several situations of illness and disability over the years. I’ve never felt the need to label my role specifically for the extra assistance, and if I did, I’m not sure that ‘carer’ would be the word I’d reach for.  I don’t want to use a word that might portray my loved ones as ‘passive’ recipients of my ‘care’.

We have a rich language, so perhaps there are other words that can reflect the nature, intent, and impact of caring well?  After all, if Eskimos have twelve basic words referring to snow, and ten words for forms of ice [https://www.thecanadianencyclopedia.ca/en/article/inuktitut-words-for-snow-and-ice], surely humankind everywhere need various words for this amazing preparedness within so many of us – to be there for each other through hard times and do whatever is needed to get each other through.

“Heart ally” has popped up in my musings. Sure, maybe it’s not an easy title to throw into conversation, nor might it ever be the chosen phrasing for official paperwork etc. But for me the title ‘heart ally’ conveys the essence and lived experience of the role. Deep love and loyalty are often at the core as we step up and keep on showing up in the face of illness or disability, partnering with our loved ones to face life’s challenges and navigate systems together with them.

‘Heart ally’ territory invites us to tune into needs beyond our own personal needs, to face our ultimate lack of “control”, and to keep our eyes on what really matters. It’s humbling to buckle in for the rollercoaster ride, to feel all the feels with our loved one, and with courage to keep choosing to stay on the ride with them. The physical and emotional load can be demanding and exhausting, but ultimately it’s all about our connection and values. And in ‘heart ally’ territory there will certainly be many moments where we find ourselves noticing the two way street – all the love that is flowing and available and in exchange between us.

So labels like ‘carer’, ‘caregiver’, ‘heart ally’ – are same, same, but different too – and you’ll find them all being woven through my blogging here. Because – heck – words can be powerful, and life is rich.